I’ve always been considered the black sheep of my family.

All my siblings were intelligent while I struggled in school. In the eyes of my parents, I was always doing something wrong. I was so disciplined by my father that I would end up black and blue and no one in my family would help me. I harbored so much resentment and hatred that I started drinking and smoking at an early age. I became tired of my life and tried to kill myself many times.

I looked for love and validation from other people, experimenting with many things including relationships with the same sex. I fell in love with an older man and became pregnant with his child. I was just 20 years old, so I relied on his plans for our future. He promised to love me forever, but said we were not ready for the baby and made me get an abortion. Then he left me. I spiraled deeply into guilt, self-loathing, hatred, and loneliness and tried to drown these feelings in alcohol.

One day, I woke up with no memory of what I’d done the previous day. That was a turning point for me. I remember saying a short prayer to God that I desperately needed help.

I met a man named James who slowly brought me back to life. He encouraged me to confess my sins and return to my Catholic faith. God bless him, he stood patiently and lovingly beside me through my drama.

We married and had two kids. Sometimes the guilt, self-loathing, and shame from the abortion would still overcome me. I accepted that I would live with this sin for life, and I associated every hardship with our pregnancies as a punishment from God that I deserved.

Christel, her husband James, and their two sons

Our family moved here from the Philippines in early 2018. With no relatives around, we tried our best to build a new life, including finding a parish to attend Sunday Mass. We tried a few parishes and found that St. Anthony of Padua felt like home.

At Mass one Sunday morning, I heard the priest talking about Alpha and 40 Days for Life. He told us about a woman who had told him she was happy about her abortion. The pastor, Father Justin Huang, said he wanted to tell her: “God loves you. You can be forgiven.” He then talked about the central message of the Christian Faith, the Kerygma.

He said: “That woman… probably doesn’t know that God made and loves her, and that Jesus came to bring her home. She may not even know she needs to hear this, because everyone in our culture acts tough and looks as if they have it together, but, deep down, because our conscience is always active, we carry a burden of guilt that we try to ignore. And nothing can take away that guilt except God.”

I thought: “I think that priest has superpowers. He can see my sins from the altar.”

After Mass, I noticed a poster for the Alpha program. Having just heard about it from the pulpit, I asked a woman at the parish entrance what it was about. One thing she said made me sign up: a free dinner.

When I first told James, he rejected the idea because he did not want to drive again after work. I countered: “We don’t go out alone together anymore. Let’s make it a date night where you don’t have to pay for dinner.” He agreed to that.

I went to the first Alpha event with no expectations, but that night, the first discussion question stayed in my head for a long time: “Is there more to life than this?”

James and I were hooked and intrigued. The topics, the discussions, the friendships that we were slowly building were exciting. It was a chance for us to talk about meaningful things besides the kids.

The third night of Alpha changed me. I had been living with feelings of unworthiness and shame for a long time because I believed I had committed the greatest sin a woman ever could. But that night, I began to understand true love and forgiveness. We discussed that Jesus took all of my guilt and shame on the cross. Since God has forgiven me, I should forgive myself.

Some weeks later, on the last day of the Alpha program, I finally offered everything I had experienced to the Lord and opened myself to receive His grace. I felt so light and happy, like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Soon after, I made a heartfelt confession, and I knew Jesus forgave me.

I have experienced God’s healing through Alpha and the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I have learned and accepted that God is Love. I know in my heart now that God sees me and has always been calling me. He patiently waited for me to realize that He was offering to forgive my sins.

Despite my unworthiness, He was making a masterpiece out of my life that He wanted me to finally enjoy. He sent me a good, patient, and loving man to marry. Most importantly, He changed how I see my kids. The children I thought were balls and chains in this life I now see as two beautiful souls to nurture and a fresh chance to share in Jesus’ redemption, despite my sins. I also serve on the parish’s Alpha team and am involved in the parish school.

You may think “I do not need Alpha.” But maybe you know someone who does. Your invitation and presence could touch somebody who needs it. What’s there to lose?